It’s the greatest night in television! The Biggest Loser season finale! And thank the gods the producers had the vision to pre-tape this, otherwise there’d be no audience and the contestants would have to stay six feet apart from each other.
Previouslies: Gimpy got the boot. Geddit? She got the boot! Ah, you people have no sense of humor.
So instead of jumping right into the finale proper, we have to follow Micah home to Ala-fuckin’-bama so he can spend time with his redneck family in a church basement and his drug-addict mom can beg forgiveness. You know what I’ll never forgive? Her use of the word “hisself.”
Then we have to follow Kyle home to Kansas City. Man, they got a LOT of footage of airplanes and airports. Can’t we just join these people on the ground? Kyle’s family is less enthusiastic and huggy than Micah’s family, but they did make matching t-shirts, which is something. Micah’s mom – whose name is Sidra, and I’m pretty sure that’s the goddess of the underworld in some religion or another – gushes over her boy while his dad keeps interrupting him. Let the kid get his lines out!
I’m sure you’ve spotted the pattern by now – we’re accompanying Jim back to Pennsylvania. Oh, I hope the first thing he does when he steps off the plane is to order a cheese steak. Jim’s family is very blonde and very happy for him, and are all kind enough to ignore the wattle he’s developed since losing the pounds. We see footage of Jim taking his all-white football team through some drills, and the kids are all happy for him.
Trainer Erica “surprises” Jim at his house, which must really be a challenge for her, considering there’s a camera crew in Jim’s living room. Jim’s wife hints that their marriage was on the skids before he went and got Biggest Losered, but now he’s fun again, and that’s important because it’s all about her. Then Erica trains him a bit. This is … the finale, right? I didn’t tune into one of those Super Sized things, did I?
Kyle doesn’t get a celebrity trainer visit. He has to work out with his dad. I remind you all, once again, that Bob Harper told us over and over again that he’d be with these contestants EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. Unless it involves going to their gross hometowns. Then no.
Trainer Steve “surprises” Micah at his house and is unimpressed with Micah’s progress, so Steve tells him to get changed and meet him outside. Micah forgets to take off his black dress socks, which is distracting, but we get to see a truncated workout and everyone seems happier for it. Can I just say how happy I am that this isn’t a two-hour ordeal? Can you imagine how much padding there’d be for that?
The famous New Mexico Hall! Bob, Erica, and Steve talk about how excited they are to see everyone today. Yeah, we know, get on with it. So, in a questionable production choice, they have the contestants come in one by one, sort of channeling the now-defunct Makeover Episode, and Bob, Erica, and Steve just mark out all over them. Megan looks pretty good. PhiXavier is just as fat as ever (which makes her before and after photos all the more mortifying). Robert looks okay. I think all he did was shave, but that’s got to be worth a pound or two. Right? Dom arrives, and he looks quite a bit thinner, though I don’t really remember him.
Kristi arrives, and as I predicted, is a smokeshow. See that? Always listen to me. Gimpy, not so gimpy anymore, has kept the weight off, so well done her. Katarina looks good too, so really, it’s PhiXavier who’s the cockroach on the wedding cake here. Oh, wait, I spoke too soon. Delores arrives and she looks fatter than when she left, so we have a good deflection for PhiXavier. Nice. And finally, Kim arrives, looking pretty dang good, so there we are.
Everyone sits down and we go contestant to contestant and they’re all shiny and bright and new. Except for the still-fatties, natch. Speaking of still-fatties and me wanting to gouge my eyes out with a rusty fucking spoon, PhiXavier gets up and twerks and then Bob does too. There was no need for that. Come on, now, where are the goddamn scales?
Oh, no scales yet, because we’re going to have the Final Three join us now. Where’s the drama? Where’s the curtain to be pulled back? This is so freakin’ lame. Okay, so, Micah’s skinny, Jim is CRAZY skinny – like, old-school Biggest Loser amphetamine skinny – and the same with Kyle. Everybody loses their shit. There’s a bit of a gab-fest, and Micah announces that he’s going to “pursue fitness” by moving out of Alabama and into Georgia. I can’t tell if that’s an upgrade or not.
Oh, and because we’re all dying to see the scales and the actual weight loss, here’s more padding! Bob channels Doctor H by reading off all the horrific medical conditions that everyone has managed to mitigate or reverse. Yes, yes, it’s all lovely, but can we PLEASE see some numbers now?
Nope. Bob’s going to reveal the Top Three contestants for the at-home prize. I just … I can’t even explain to you how little dramatic tension this is creating and how badly it’s watering everything down. I know USA wanted their own Biggest Loser, but why did they have to have a worse Biggest Loser? Anyway, the Top Three at-home people are Gimpy, Megan, and Kristi.
Finally! The scale room! Jesus, that was an agonizing journey. The scale room has an audience. I don’t know who these people are – family? Friends? Background players? Who knows. I do know they’re all sitting much too close. Isn’t it weird how fast that’s become a trigger? Bob, oddly, falls back on his verbal crutch of, “I mean …” I thought they’d beaten that out of him. I guess not.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait wait wait wait wait. You’re telling me that they’re ONLY WEIGHING IN THE FINAL THREE AND THE TOP THREE FOR THE AT-HOME PRIZE?! Just SIX FUCKING CONTESTANTS? This is … this is unmitigated bullshit!
I know EXACTLY why they’re doing this – so they don’t have to admit that contestants like PhiXavier and Delores didn’t lose any weight. But that’s life, goddammit! Some people don’t! And you’re ducking out on them to make yourselves look good? Wow. What a fucking cop-out.
I don’t even care about the final weigh-in anymore. Fucking bullshit. Fucking assholes. Megan wins the at-home. Jim wins the whole thing. Does that seem like a limp-dick ending to this recap? Yeah, well, it was a limp-dick finale, so that’s what you get. Good god.
Next week! Thankfully there is no next week. It’s been quarantined. (See what I did there?) We do know that they’re casting the net for a new crop of contestants, so there looks to be another season coming. Hopefully the producers will read this recap and will make the appropriate changes.
So instead of jumping right into the finale proper, we have to follow Micah home to Ala-fuckin’-bama so he can spend time with his redneck family in a church basement and his drug-addict mom can beg forgiveness. You know what I’ll never forgive? Her use of the word “hisself.”
Then we have to follow Kyle home to Kansas City. Man, they got a LOT of footage of airplanes and airports. Can’t we just join these people on the ground? Kyle’s family is less enthusiastic and huggy than Micah’s family, but they did make matching t-shirts, which is something. Micah’s mom – whose name is Sidra, and I’m pretty sure that’s the goddess of the underworld in some religion or another – gushes over her boy while his dad keeps interrupting him. Let the kid get his lines out!
I’m sure you’ve spotted the pattern by now – we’re accompanying Jim back to Pennsylvania. Oh, I hope the first thing he does when he steps off the plane is to order a cheese steak. Jim’s family is very blonde and very happy for him, and are all kind enough to ignore the wattle he’s developed since losing the pounds. We see footage of Jim taking his all-white football team through some drills, and the kids are all happy for him.
Trainer Erica “surprises” Jim at his house, which must really be a challenge for her, considering there’s a camera crew in Jim’s living room. Jim’s wife hints that their marriage was on the skids before he went and got Biggest Losered, but now he’s fun again, and that’s important because it’s all about her. Then Erica trains him a bit. This is … the finale, right? I didn’t tune into one of those Super Sized things, did I?
Kyle doesn’t get a celebrity trainer visit. He has to work out with his dad. I remind you all, once again, that Bob Harper told us over and over again that he’d be with these contestants EVERY STEP OF THE WAY. Unless it involves going to their gross hometowns. Then no.
Trainer Steve “surprises” Micah at his house and is unimpressed with Micah’s progress, so Steve tells him to get changed and meet him outside. Micah forgets to take off his black dress socks, which is distracting, but we get to see a truncated workout and everyone seems happier for it. Can I just say how happy I am that this isn’t a two-hour ordeal? Can you imagine how much padding there’d be for that?
The famous New Mexico Hall! Bob, Erica, and Steve talk about how excited they are to see everyone today. Yeah, we know, get on with it. So, in a questionable production choice, they have the contestants come in one by one, sort of channeling the now-defunct Makeover Episode, and Bob, Erica, and Steve just mark out all over them. Megan looks pretty good. PhiXavier is just as fat as ever (which makes her before and after photos all the more mortifying). Robert looks okay. I think all he did was shave, but that’s got to be worth a pound or two. Right? Dom arrives, and he looks quite a bit thinner, though I don’t really remember him.
Kristi arrives, and as I predicted, is a smokeshow. See that? Always listen to me. Gimpy, not so gimpy anymore, has kept the weight off, so well done her. Katarina looks good too, so really, it’s PhiXavier who’s the cockroach on the wedding cake here. Oh, wait, I spoke too soon. Delores arrives and she looks fatter than when she left, so we have a good deflection for PhiXavier. Nice. And finally, Kim arrives, looking pretty dang good, so there we are.
Everyone sits down and we go contestant to contestant and they’re all shiny and bright and new. Except for the still-fatties, natch. Speaking of still-fatties and me wanting to gouge my eyes out with a rusty fucking spoon, PhiXavier gets up and twerks and then Bob does too. There was no need for that. Come on, now, where are the goddamn scales?
Oh, no scales yet, because we’re going to have the Final Three join us now. Where’s the drama? Where’s the curtain to be pulled back? This is so freakin’ lame. Okay, so, Micah’s skinny, Jim is CRAZY skinny – like, old-school Biggest Loser amphetamine skinny – and the same with Kyle. Everybody loses their shit. There’s a bit of a gab-fest, and Micah announces that he’s going to “pursue fitness” by moving out of Alabama and into Georgia. I can’t tell if that’s an upgrade or not.
Oh, and because we’re all dying to see the scales and the actual weight loss, here’s more padding! Bob channels Doctor H by reading off all the horrific medical conditions that everyone has managed to mitigate or reverse. Yes, yes, it’s all lovely, but can we PLEASE see some numbers now?
Nope. Bob’s going to reveal the Top Three contestants for the at-home prize. I just … I can’t even explain to you how little dramatic tension this is creating and how badly it’s watering everything down. I know USA wanted their own Biggest Loser, but why did they have to have a worse Biggest Loser? Anyway, the Top Three at-home people are Gimpy, Megan, and Kristi.
Finally! The scale room! Jesus, that was an agonizing journey. The scale room has an audience. I don’t know who these people are – family? Friends? Background players? Who knows. I do know they’re all sitting much too close. Isn’t it weird how fast that’s become a trigger? Bob, oddly, falls back on his verbal crutch of, “I mean …” I thought they’d beaten that out of him. I guess not.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait wait wait wait wait. You’re telling me that they’re ONLY WEIGHING IN THE FINAL THREE AND THE TOP THREE FOR THE AT-HOME PRIZE?! Just SIX FUCKING CONTESTANTS? This is … this is unmitigated bullshit!
I know EXACTLY why they’re doing this – so they don’t have to admit that contestants like PhiXavier and Delores didn’t lose any weight. But that’s life, goddammit! Some people don’t! And you’re ducking out on them to make yourselves look good? Wow. What a fucking cop-out.
I don’t even care about the final weigh-in anymore. Fucking bullshit. Fucking assholes. Megan wins the at-home. Jim wins the whole thing. Does that seem like a limp-dick ending to this recap? Yeah, well, it was a limp-dick finale, so that’s what you get. Good god.
Next week! Thankfully there is no next week. It’s been quarantined. (See what I did there?) We do know that they’re casting the net for a new crop of contestants, so there looks to be another season coming. Hopefully the producers will read this recap and will make the appropriate changes.
